Why do Highly Sensitive Men Struggle to Fit in?

Photo by Alex P.

In a non-sensitive world, highly sensitive men (HSM) often struggle to feel valued, seen, and understood by their peers. Cultural issues and gender roles contribute to this struggle. Let’s discuss these ideas in more detail and offer ways HSM can find their people.

1. Many cultures do not align with high sensitivity

To understand why HSM struggle to fit in, we have to take a look at culture. We will focus on the Western World today, because its culture is typically not suited for HSPs. It's also relevant because many of you are reading from the area.

The Western World is an area of countries with “an originally European shared culture”, like Australia or the US.¹  This area has a set of values that are not ideal for HSPs to thrive in, such as individualism and rationalism.² Many of these values came about during European conquest. Individualism drives our culture to desire success and power, and rationalism makes our thinking more “rigid” and less emotional.³ This is a shame because HSPs tend to be intuitive and emotional thinkers. While there are good parts to these values, Western culture is still ridden with “aggression and domination”, possibly because of how these countries were founded.⁴ For example, in the United States and Australia, aggression and violence were used to subdue those in “our land". So, Western culture is harder for HSPs to fit into, because we take a more gentle and empathetic approach to life and often don’t care as much about things that Western culture does, like material gain and power.

To show how different Western culture is from other cultures, I want to bring up a cultural study recommended by Dr. Elaine Aron, in The Highly Sensitive Person. The study concluded that in Canada, “shy” and “sensitive” children were the least likely to be chosen as friends in school, while in China, they were the most likely.⁴ So ultimately, culture plays a huge role in how sensitive people fit in, and what others think of them.

2. Gender roles

Since society has existed, gender roles have existed. Gender roles are essentially expectations of what men should do, or women should do. A common belief is that men should be stoic, decisive, and rational, and women should be empathetic, relational, and emotional. Unfortunately, many people attempt to live into these gender roles to fit in. This has been called this a “gender role strain” or “gender role conflict”. ⁵ Tom Falkenstein, author of The Highly Sensitive Man, mentions that although no one is immune to the stress of the gender role strain, HSM usually have it harder, and this is because they are further away from their role, as they are often shy, emotional, and non-aggressive, the opposite of culture's ideal man.⁵ (at least in the Western world). Even in the family, HSM can be judged for not being the ideal man. A study by Dr. Aron showed that shy sons were often their mother's least favorite child).⁴

Fortunately, many people grow out of this gender role strain. I began to grow out of it when I realized I wasn't interested in being like some of the guys I knew who seemed to embraced a dominant and aggressive male culture. However, there are many other reasons why people wouldn't want to fit into their gender role, like impossible expectations to live up to or feeling like your individuality is confined. I had many struggles with getting close to my friends because I often felt like they were afraid to get deeper as far as conversation. Like many HSPs, I was interested in vulnerable and personal conversations. 

What can Highly Sensitive Men do to Fit in?

1. Embrace your Sensitivity

To find people like you, you must put the real you out there and be bold with it. Accept that not everyone will be able to connect with you on the deeper level that you want. You are biologically different, and because of that you’ve had different experiences that some non-HSM won't relate to. But when you put your sensitivity and good qualities into the world, the right people, sensitive or not, will find you. So, if you feel like being vulnerable and having a deeper conversation with someone, it's worth it to try. If they’re not interested, then you only have further clarity on what that relationship will be.

2. Know yourself

When we don’t know what we need or value in a relationship, we can get confused and fall back into the trap of people pleasing or doing inauthentic things to fit in. But if we know what we want in a friend, romantic partner, or any relationship, we can search for it specifically in places. For example, I learned that church is a great place to meet people who are kind and authentic, which are two things I value in a friend/partner. Try to find the groups of people that have qualities you like! For meeting other HSPs, Dr. Aron recommends libraries, the Sierra Club, or museums.⁴

Conclusion

While the struggle for HSM to fit in is a cultural and social issue, with dedication to our true sensitive selves, we can find our people and advance our world's view of sensitivity and gender.

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