In a population of only 15-20% being Highly Sensitive, most of the people you interact with at work, school, home, or anywhere else you go will be with non-HSPs.¹ The size of their group makes peace with them extremely important, especially because there are unique challenges that arise from having different sensitivity levels, such as deciding what is fun for one person and what is overstimulating for another. Today, we’ll discuss ways to handle and thrive within these half-sensitive relationships.
Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries is “the practice of openly communicating, asserting, and defending personal values”.² This could be things like letting your friends know you would prefer to go home instead of staying at a party or telling a friend that you can no longer drive them to church.
Setting boundaries is important in navigating relational conflict because it ensures you are not walked over and helps you to develop self-esteem and individuality. Here are some tips to keep in mind when setting boundaries with non-HSPs:
Be Direct
HSPs can often come across too gently in our boundaries because of our empathy and desire to please people. Maybe we let hurtful behavior continue longer than it should or continue providing something we don’t have the energy for.
Dr. Aron, in The Highly Sensitive Person in Love, suggests that HSPs should start “learning to increase our volume to a level (a) non-HSP can hear”.¹ The way we like to be spoken to, “subtly, softly, and indirectly” may not get our message across to a non-HSP.¹ So, it’s ok to have more wiggle room to get louder and to be more direct if someone is not picking up on our message.¹ Another great strategy for setting boundaries is taught in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and it's called the "broken record technique".³ It says that we should keep repeatedly asking for what we need in the same way we did the first time.³ And I know this is hard because we don't want to bother/annoy people but please give it a try!! It helps bring out vulnerability in people who won't tell us why they are not hearing/accommodating our needs.
Assume Nothing
While we HSPs can often sense someone’s emotions and needs before they get intense, many non-HSPs may not. They may not ever notice there is a problem unless we address it. So, we set boundaries, we should assume they have not caught onto any conflict or emotions going on inside us, because they may not have the attention to social subtleties like we do.
Separate your emotions
Setting boundaries can create emotional conversations when they bring up something you can no longer do or no longer take. As HSPs, we have a tendency to absorb others' emotions. This can be overwhelming, because we already have enough on our own plate in addition to feeling emotions that aren't ours.
Untying your emotions from someone else’s emotions will make boundary-setting much easier. PsychCentral suggests that a way to do this emotional untying is by making time for self-care.⁴ Doing what you want/need through self-care can help you feel more in tune with your own emotions, and less likely to take on emotions that aren't yours.
Accept and communicate your differences
Being able to accept and communicate differences can clear up major relational misunderstandings, which will allow our less-sensitive relationships to flourish. Let’s discuss these differences and how we can work with them easier.
Social differences
Building off our strength of attention to subtleties described earlier, we have probably noticed some of our other social strengths, such as being aware of how what we say affects others or thinking deeply before we speak. Furthermore, we may have passions for certain things that less-sensitive people can't relate to, like social justice and the arts.¹
Less sensitive people may be less conscious of the effect of their words on others or the tone with which they say things. Things that may be hurtful or insensitive to us, like criticism, may not have the same effect on them.
Knowing that we as HSPs have social and emotional advantages, we can take some of the pressure off non-HSPs to act like we do. It's also important to not take things like criticism or a blunt tone too personally, because they don't affect a non-HSP the same way they do us. However, if they’re hurting or bothering you with their actions, it’s certainly ok to set a boundary or ask for change. If change doesn't occur, it may become apparent that what is bothering you is a part of their character, and they can't change. From here you can decide if you would like to move forward or not with the relationship.
Differences in “optimal level of arousal” ¹
Differences in our optimal level of arousal essentially mean some people become overstimulated faster than others.¹ In your relationship with a non-HSP, you will typically be that person. You could become overstimulated faster from any activity you do, but typically it will happen faster in loud or stressful environments. On the other hand, some non-HSPs can handle incredible amounts of stimulation. This difference becomes important when you and a non-HSP spend time together.
Planning for the social event is always a good idea. You could do this by making sure you know what you will do when you spend time together, having enough downtime before or after the event, or eating before so you won’t be hungry when you’re out.
If you do get overstimulated and feel comfortable sharing, it’s never a bad idea to bring up your overstimulation. It helps your less sensitive partner/friend to not feel slighted if you want to go home early or be alone for a bit.
Conclusion
Ultimately, while relational challenges do exist between HSP and non-HSP, setting boundaries and being able to accept and communicate our sensitivity can create harmony between our relationships.
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